Grayne Wetzky's Danglebangle Blog

In a move sending shockwaves through the hockey world, the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced that they are suing the NHL script writers for being written out of the playoffs once again. The team, which has a long history of disappointing playoff performances, claims that the writers are to blame for their lack of on-ice success. "We've had enough of this," said Maple Leafs star Auston Matthews in a press conference on Tuesday. "Every year it's the same thing - we work hard all season, we make it to the playoffs, and then we get written out in the first round. It's like the writers have it in for us."  The Maple Leafs are being represented by Sam Lafferty, who holds a Bachelor of Aquatic Law from Brown University The Maple Leafs' lawsuit, which was filed in a Toronto court this morning, alleges that the NHL writers have a bias against the team and intentionally write storylines that result in their early playoff exits. The team is seeking damages for...

The controversy train rolls into Pittsburgh yet again, as news has come out the star defenseman Jeff Petry is reported to be nonexistent. The former Oiler we now see on the Penguins blueline is actually the product of CGI. With motion tracking technology and advanced coding being used to produce a realistic hockey player. Artificial Intelligence, the same kind used in the EA Sports NHL video game series, has been used to evaluate the styles of thousands of hockey players and be able to predict the actions of a star defenseman. This is not the same Petry that fans may have seen in the arena or in press conferences. The on-ice Petry seen on the ice is a paid actor who receives orders from the NHL’s production crew. This crew has had to run a live simulation of the game and see how an AI defenseman plays in certain situations, relay these orders to Petry the actor, and sync up the CGI Petry with the actions of actor Petry, all in real-time. A truly astonishing task. In a recent appearanc...

 In a move that has left fans and players alike outraged, the NHL has announced that it will be introducing new "fan participation" programs to the game. The system will allow fans to purchase various products which can be used to influence the outcome of the game. According to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, the new system is designed to give fans a more immersive experience and make the games more exciting. "Imagine being able to influence the game in real-time," Bettman said in a statement. "With the new fan participation system, fans will be able to purchase "Puck Points®", which in turn they can use to have the referees place the puck anywhere on the ice. We are also making available for purchase "Reversal Cards®" which can be used to reverse any ruling on the ice. For instance, fans could use these card to reverse a goal that have been scored against their team and have it counted for their own team instead. This is going to be a game-c...

In a bizarre move that has left hockey fans scratching their heads, the NHL has announced that it will be introducing a number of water polo-style rules to the sport. The move, which has been met with widespread confusion and derision, is being touted by league officials as a way to make hockey a year-round sport and increase interest in southern markets and around the world. According to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, the new rules will involve players wearing snorkels and flippers while they play, as well as the addition of inflatable goals at each end of the rink. The puck will be replaced by a weighted foam ball that is easier to handle underwater, and players will be allowed to add water pistol like technology to their sticks to help shoot the ball into the goals. Gary Bettman demonstrates the new 'Soaker Stick' that will be introduced next season during a promotional event in Bali where the Commissioner is looking to establish a new franchise.  "We believe that this ...

 The seemingly endless controversy over star center Jack Eichel's neck injury seems to finally be coming to a conclusion. After a lengthy and thoroughly documented disagreement over treatment options between Eichel and the Buffalo Sabres, the former first overall pick was traded to the Las Vegas Golden Knights over the summer. The New England native and the Sabres famously could not reach an agreement on how to proceed with treatment of a neck injury that kept the disgruntled forward out of the lineup for the better part of last season. With Eichel now calling Las Vegas home, under a dynamic and forward looking ownership group, new options have been made available. It has been reported that Jack Eichel had been seeking a disc replacement procedure, thought to have a superior outcome to traditional fusion surgery. The Sabres balked at the proposal and claimed the surgery was untested in NHL players. The Golden Knights however harbor no such concerns and has given Eichel the green li...

Watching hockey today, it is sometimes hard to imagine the humble beginnings of the sport. Originally hockey evolved as a 'more refined pass-time for the more sophisticated gentleman' as early NHL legend Clogg Bradunkle described it in his 1912 memoirs "The Adventures of an Irish Mugwump Taking the Egg, Or,  The Tale of  Batty-fanged Tallywags". A more refined pass-time than what? Curling, which hockey was adapted from. At the turn of the twentieth century, curling was a widespread activity on the many frozen lakes and rivers of the Canadian prairies. The game had been brought over by Scottish immigrants and was quickly adopted. By the early 1900's rising nationalist sentiments coupled with a growing disdain for the broad appeal of curling led some of the newly rich men in Alberta to invent a new game to partake in during the 10 months of winter. A more refined pass-time, a game they would refer to as Hobbadehoy. Hobbadehoy legend Clogg Bradunkle. Fort McMurray ca...

Ever since its creation, the NHL has been full of players who lucked their way into the league simply because there was no one better to replace them. Players such as Marty McSorley, Tie Domi, and even Brett Hull all managed to maintain a constant professional presence in hockey despite being no better than the average Joe. The NHL has now decided to put an end to this mediocrity. Several years ago, the NHL established the Learn to Play program in order to allow anyone to play the game of hockey, no matter their skill level. Now they have expanded access into this program to players who are deemed “embarrassingly unskilled” or have proven that they do not fully understand the rules. The first batch of players to be set to this program consists of Brad Marchand, Tom Wilson, Ryan Reaves, Nikita Kucherov, and Milan Lucic. “We understand our role in the hockey community and know that it is of utmost importance that the NHL showcases the world’s top hockey talent,” commented Dave Ogrean, th...