Grayne Wetzky's Danglebangle Blog

 In a move that has caught the hockey world by surprise, the Nashville Predators have announced that newly hired head coach Andrew Brunette will be replaced with an Artificial Intelligence (AI) model for the upcoming season. The news comes just days after Brunette was hired and has fans and reporters scratching their heads. The AI model, which the team has dubbed "Coach Bot", will be the first non-human to hold the position of head coach in the history of the NHL. The AI model uses advanced algorithms and machine learning to analyze player performance and make in-game decisions. According to the Predators' management, Coach Bot has been programmed with every hockey statistic and strategy known to man and is capable of analyzing data in real time to make split-second decisions based on what happens in game. The new head coach was introduced at a press conference last Thursday, where The AI model was hooked up to a large computer system and appeared as a series of flashing ...

In a move sending shockwaves through the hockey world, the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced that they are suing the NHL script writers for being written out of the playoffs once again. The team, which has a long history of disappointing playoff performances, claims that the writers are to blame for their lack of on-ice success. "We've had enough of this," said Maple Leafs star Auston Matthews in a press conference on Tuesday. "Every year it's the same thing - we work hard all season, we make it to the playoffs, and then we get written out in the first round. It's like the writers have it in for us."  The Maple Leafs are being represented by Sam Lafferty, who holds a Bachelor of Aquatic Law from Brown University The Maple Leafs' lawsuit, which was filed in a Toronto court this morning, alleges that the NHL writers have a bias against the team and intentionally write storylines that result in their early playoff exits. The team is seeking damages for...

The controversy train rolls into Pittsburgh yet again, as news has come out the star defenseman Jeff Petry is reported to be nonexistent. The former Oiler we now see on the Penguins blueline is actually the product of CGI. With motion tracking technology and advanced coding being used to produce a realistic hockey player. Artificial Intelligence, the same kind used in the EA Sports NHL video game series, has been used to evaluate the styles of thousands of hockey players and be able to predict the actions of a star defenseman. This is not the same Petry that fans may have seen in the arena or in press conferences. The on-ice Petry seen on the ice is a paid actor who receives orders from the NHL’s production crew. This crew has had to run a live simulation of the game and see how an AI defenseman plays in certain situations, relay these orders to Petry the actor, and sync up the CGI Petry with the actions of actor Petry, all in real-time. A truly astonishing task. In a recent appearanc...

 In a move that has left fans and players alike outraged, the NHL has announced that it will be introducing new "fan participation" programs to the game. The system will allow fans to purchase various products which can be used to influence the outcome of the game. According to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, the new system is designed to give fans a more immersive experience and make the games more exciting. "Imagine being able to influence the game in real-time," Bettman said in a statement. "With the new fan participation system, fans will be able to purchase "Puck Points®", which in turn they can use to have the referees place the puck anywhere on the ice. We are also making available for purchase "Reversal Cards®" which can be used to reverse any ruling on the ice. For instance, fans could use these card to reverse a goal that have been scored against their team and have it counted for their own team instead. This is going to be a game-c...

In a bizarre move that has left hockey fans scratching their heads, the NHL has announced that it will be introducing a number of water polo-style rules to the sport. The move, which has been met with widespread confusion and derision, is being touted by league officials as a way to make hockey a year-round sport and increase interest in southern markets and around the world. According to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, the new rules will involve players wearing snorkels and flippers while they play, as well as the addition of inflatable goals at each end of the rink. The puck will be replaced by a weighted foam ball that is easier to handle underwater, and players will be allowed to add water pistol like technology to their sticks to help shoot the ball into the goals. Gary Bettman demonstrates the new 'Soaker Stick' that will be introduced next season during a promotional event in Bali where the Commissioner is looking to establish a new franchise.  "We believe that this ...

 The seemingly endless controversy over star center Jack Eichel's neck injury seems to finally be coming to a conclusion. After a lengthy and thoroughly documented disagreement over treatment options between Eichel and the Buffalo Sabres, the former first overall pick was traded to the Las Vegas Golden Knights over the summer. The New England native and the Sabres famously could not reach an agreement on how to proceed with treatment of a neck injury that kept the disgruntled forward out of the lineup for the better part of last season. With Eichel now calling Las Vegas home, under a dynamic and forward looking ownership group, new options have been made available. It has been reported that Jack Eichel had been seeking a disc replacement procedure, thought to have a superior outcome to traditional fusion surgery. The Sabres balked at the proposal and claimed the surgery was untested in NHL players. The Golden Knights however harbor no such concerns and has given Eichel the green li...

Watching hockey today, it is sometimes hard to imagine the humble beginnings of the sport. Originally hockey evolved as a 'more refined pass-time for the more sophisticated gentleman' as early NHL legend Clogg Bradunkle described it in his 1912 memoirs "The Adventures of an Irish Mugwump Taking the Egg, Or,  The Tale of  Batty-fanged Tallywags". A more refined pass-time than what? Curling, which hockey was adapted from. At the turn of the twentieth century, curling was a widespread activity on the many frozen lakes and rivers of the Canadian prairies. The game had been brought over by Scottish immigrants and was quickly adopted. By the early 1900's rising nationalist sentiments coupled with a growing disdain for the broad appeal of curling led some of the newly rich men in Alberta to invent a new game to partake in during the 10 months of winter. A more refined pass-time, a game they would refer to as Hobbadehoy. Hobbadehoy legend Clogg Bradunkle. Fort McMurray ca...

Ever since its creation, the NHL has been full of players who lucked their way into the league simply because there was no one better to replace them. Players such as Marty McSorley, Tie Domi, and even Brett Hull all managed to maintain a constant professional presence in hockey despite being no better than the average Joe. The NHL has now decided to put an end to this mediocrity. Several years ago, the NHL established the Learn to Play program in order to allow anyone to play the game of hockey, no matter their skill level. Now they have expanded access into this program to players who are deemed “embarrassingly unskilled” or have proven that they do not fully understand the rules. The first batch of players to be set to this program consists of Brad Marchand, Tom Wilson, Ryan Reaves, Nikita Kucherov, and Milan Lucic. “We understand our role in the hockey community and know that it is of utmost importance that the NHL showcases the world’s top hockey talent,” commented Dave Ogrean, th...

As interest in the NHL’s annual all star showdown has dwindled, owners and executives have scrambled to find new ways to bring viewership numbers back up. It was only five years ago that the NHL decided to stray away from the traditional All-Star Game format by instituting a new, fast-paced 3-on-3 version of the game. That apparently is not for Gary Bettman and his posse of 31 team owners, as they have decided to shake it up again. This time, they have agreed upon the Corona Games ®️ initiative. This exciting new format will revert to the original 5-on-5 version of the All-Star Game. However, all players involved in this game will require something they have never required before: a positive COVID-19 test. Unlike any other time during this shortened season, players will be encouraged to be in contact with as many people as possible and follow none of the safety precautions. Players will then be pit against each other in an exciting matchup of the game's brightest stars at BB&T...

Gary Bettman trying to assert dominance in the ongoing talks with the players union NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman today announced that due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic this seasons scheduled lockout has been reduced from 5 months to just three weeks. Bettman was quotes saying that "We would have loved to deliver another long term lockout and keep one of hockey's most  dependable traditions going".  The controversial executive went on to explain that "despite out best efforts to find a solution, the economy is just not there for a long work stoppage". The former lawyer blamed the current pandemic for the economic downturn that has left several owners desperate for hockey related income. Bettman continued to stress that even though the coming lockout will not have the same impact on the players as they would have liked, he still expected the NHLPA to approach the lockout as if it would draw out for almost half a year. "In times like these it's importa...

NBC announced the cancellation of their heavily advertised hockey spin-off show hosted by long time color analyst Pierre McGuire. The 30 minute show, called "Papa Pierre's Creepy Pee-Pee Show", was billed as "a lighthearted look behind the scenes of the National Hockey League". The show was seen as a big push to elevate the profile of McGuire.The recognizable commentator, known for his in depth knowledge of the game and players, has struggled to shed his reputation as a quirky and sometimes slightly unsettling character. Video of the first 3 minutes of Papa Pierre's Creepy Pee-Pee Show  NBC's efforts to build up McGuire as the face of the NHL took a step back last Wednesday however. The show was cancelled 7 minutes into the first episode with NBC electing to show a rerun of a Green Acres episode for the reminder of the time slot. Despite only being on air for 7 minutes and 12 seconds, Papa Pierre's Creepy Pee-Pee Show set a new record for viewe...

Dale Hicks proudly displays the contract granting Johnny Gaudreau naming rights to a local bridge Escambia County, Florida announced today that they had entered into an agreement with Calgary Flames superstar Johnny Gaudreau for the naming rights to Tungoil Rd. Overpass #120394. For the next 25 years the 23 feet long span across McDavid creek will be known as the "Johnny Gadreau Interestate Saucer Overpass". County clerk Dale Hicks was visibly thrilled with the deal, and went far in hinting that Mr. Gaudreau was the only party to show any interest in the naming rights to, or in fact the very existence of, the unassuming overpass. And while the terms of the contract were said to be modest, Mr. Hicks assured the public that the county getting any sort of benefit from the overpass was much more than what could reasonably be expected. Immediately after the impromptu press conference, Mr. Hicks left in some haste north on the 97, reportedly in the direction of The Tavern o...

Johan Larsson won last years most accurate shot competition The Buffalo Sabres just released their training camp and pre season schedule, an event that is closely followed by fans of the team. This year all eyes again are turned on Jack Eichel and fellow sophomore Sam Reinhart who quietly produced an excellent season in the shadows of Jack Eichel. However, one fan favorite event was notably absent from the schedule, the annual Sabres Skill Competition. When asked about the cancellation of the event that has traditionally served as a fun and lighthearted break for players and fans alike, General Manager Tim Murray declined to comment. Head coach Dan Bylsma on the other hand admitted that this years skills competition had been canceled because of a lack of qualified participants.

Everyone loves dogs, and everyone loves Claude Giroux, except for Sidney Crosby. He is more of a cat guy. For the rest of us, what better way to get ready for the Stanley Cup Playoffs than this delightful list of dogs that look so much like Claude Giroux you won't believe your eyes?! 1 . Bloodhound  The bloodhound is a large scent hound, originally bred for hunting deer and wild boar and since the Middle Ages used for tracking people. This breed is famed for its ability to discern human scent over great distances, even days later. Its extraordinarily keen sense of smell is combined with a strong and tenacious tracking instinct, producing the ideal scent hound, and it is used by police and law enforcement all over the world to track escaped prisoners, missing people, lost children and lost pets. But most of all, they are cute as a button!     2. These boxers fighting over a ball Boxers are a bright, energetic and playful breed and tend to be very go...