BREAKING: Jeff Petry is Not Real

The controversy train rolls into Pittsburgh yet again, as news has come out the star defenseman Jeff Petry is reported to be nonexistent.

The former Oiler we now see on the Penguins blueline is actually the product of CGI. With motion tracking technology and advanced coding being used to produce a realistic hockey player. Artificial Intelligence, the same kind used in the EA Sports NHL video game series, has been used to evaluate the styles of thousands of hockey players and be able to predict the actions of a star defenseman.

This is not the same Petry that fans may have seen in the arena or in press conferences. The on-ice Petry seen on the ice is a paid actor who receives orders from the NHL’s production crew. This crew has had to run a live simulation of the game and see how an AI defenseman plays in certain situations, relay these orders to Petry the actor, and sync up the CGI Petry with the actions of actor Petry, all in real-time. A truly astonishing task.

In a recent appearance on the Gabbin’ Geezers podcast, former NHL head of technical production Gary Trombley revealed this shocking news. “We had a whole team of guys, the Petry crew, who were always working to make Jeff look as real as possible.” The 92-year old worked with NHL broadcasting for nearly 70 years. He went on to say that there may be other secrets the league is hiding from its fans. “They have all the fancy gadgets and gizmos, they could make you believe John Wayne was [gay].” Trombley was relieved of his role in 2016 after a press conference littered with slurs and foul language.

A famous glitch in the Petry CGI.

Fans have used this new information to explain the former Oiler’s bizarrely red eyes from the 2021 playoffs, but they have also been speculating over what other moments and players from NHL history were mere fabrications. Was the 1975 ‘Fog Game’ a result of bad technology? Was the famous Avalanche versus Red Wings brawl scripted? Was the illustrious career of Andrej Sekera a lie? The answer to these questions, and many others, are likely locked deep A famous glitch in the Petry CGI.within Gary Bettman.

The most shocking element about this news is the fact that it was right in front of us the whole time. There have been visible glitches in the Petry programming, and many of the actors who have played the role of Jeff Petry look nothing alike. In addition, a quick look at Petry’s career stats reveals that he is -119 for his career, almost as if he’s not doing anything while he’s on the ice. Or possibly it's because he hasn’t actually been on the ice at all.

The Dangle Bangle Press attempted to question Petry on the topic, but the former Oiler did not respond as he was “unavailable” at the time….